Sleeplessness

This is actually from Wed. night/ Thurs early am.... plenty of dramas since then, as it goes round here but literally too exhausted to post.  Perhaps I will end up doing what I did for this one which was write it on my blackberry at 4:30 in the am and then e-mailing it to myself to copy and paste days later when I have the time.  Feeling a little overwhelmed this week, perhaps it is my upcoming trip, the restless baby I have or Christmas just around the corner... in any case sleeplessness is the condition!
My heart is racing, my eyes are burning, my back aching, I'm rocking furiously, and patting him methodically and just when I think the only thing left in me to do is scream I look down into the face of the little boy tightly clutched in my arms; quiet peaceful with closed eyes.
Could it be he's finally gone back to sleep? Since Jacob wakes at 4:00am but does not scream or cry just litghtly fusses and coos I have decided not to feed him anymore when he wakes at this time. I don't want to get him in the habit of waking for an unecessary feed in the middle of the night. 
All of this is requiring disipline I fear my sleeplessness does not allow me the strength I need. At bedtime I should be more vigalant about keeping him awake until at least 10pm and making sure his last feed is big enough to hold him through the night.  When he wakes at 4am I also need to rush to his bassinett less for the littlest whimper or cough. He needs to learn to self soothe better but my problem is at 4:00am when the wind has been howling all night crashing things across the deck allowing only for a light sleep- a little whimper from the bassinett next to the bed sounds like a fierce cry for help that I could never ignore. Its the sound that doesn't fit in with all the other creaks, moans and howls and because of this requires imediate attention.
So how does it end? There is no rocking or highback chair with a footstool to fall asleep in. Once I've stopped the patting and the rocking I can't put him down for he'll wake again. The simple solution for the next two hours before the alarm goes off is snuggle him close and gently try to lay myself flat and pray that his paci doesn't fall out or if it does he can find his thumb and just give me a few more hours of sleep!